I have a plan – ironclad, or so I tell myself – to write a newsletter every two weeks. It’s now been four weeks since the last one. It’s ironic that I failed to write it, because I was going to dig a little deeper into scheduling writing time.
At the end of June, my daughters and I went to the UK to visit my in-laws. I’d cleared my editing and writing calendars for the fortnight and all I planned to do was write that newsletter and do my scheduled accountability buddy work. But the writing never happened. Instead, I watched many many hours of Wimbledon on the TV, went for rambling walks along the canal, read my book, browsed through charity shops and Waterstones book shop (multiple times), and hung out with my family. A small- to medium-sized rock of guilt sat on my shoulders for the entire two weeks because I didn’t meet that newsletter writing goal. So, today I don’t want to talk about how better to schedule writing time, but about how to manage expectations and cut yourself some slack.
My friend Hazel used to home school her kids. I was always amazed by the nurturing learning environment in her home and how sociable and competent her kids were. But she told me recently that, in hindsight, she used to set her homeschooling expectations way too high. Each morning, the children would sit at the dining table for an hour or two of formal learning. “I always planned to do too much,” she said. “Instead of aiming to achieve one or two things each morning, I’d aim for five or six.” She almost never reached her self-imposed target and, instead of feeling a sense of achievement that her children had reached one or two learning targets for the morning, she felt a sense of failure because they hadn’t hit her self-imposed five or six. It’s all about managing expectations.
You may have noticed that I often use a phrase along the lines of ‘whether you have 15 minutes or four hours to write’. Unless you’re a professional writer, chances are you don’t have four hours to write in your day. Despite this, how often do you schedule an unrealistic amount of writing time into your day or week and then beat yourself up when you don’t hit your target? Here’s a nifty trick – lower your expectations! Be realistic. And be kind to yourself. After you’ve attended to all the other things going on in your life, how much time to you really have for writing? Some days, it may well be only 15 minutes. But won’t you feel better for achieving those 15 minutes than for failing (as you perceive it) to achieve an hour or two? One of my tasks as an accountability buddy is to help my clients to find the space in their day and week for writing practice. An equally important task is helping them to maintain realistic expectations.
Sometimes we put pressure on ourselves and sometimes we allow society to put pressure on us, when what we really need to do is cut ourselves some slack. We tell ourselves (and society tells us) that we should be doing more. I’m a big fan of Cal Newport’s concept of deep work and it’s helped me a lot, particularly at times when I have a lot on my plate and I need effective time management practices. But I’m also sceptical of the lack of space that Newport makes for…life. I’m not talking about the big stuff, like spending time with your kids or making time for your hobbies and interests. He’s all over that. Instead, I’m talking about the little stuff. Time block planners, work diaries and other such deep work aids, present users with hourly or half-hourly blocks, like floors in an immovable steel and concrete skyscraper. There’s no fluidity in there for a quick scratch of your dog’s belly, for a moment of daydreaming while the kettle boils, for WhatsApping your best friend while you’re sitting on the loo. Be honest…we all do those things. But, if we’re attempting to follow a time block planning deep work regimen, guilt can set in when we indulge in a little daydreaming or doggy belly scratching. But that’s the stuff of life, of joy, of inspiration. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself those moments. (And your friend doesn’t need to know that your most inspired messages are written on the jacks).
But I don’t always walk the walk and the past three weeks prove it. Instead of sending out a brief newsletter to say that I was taking a little time off, I decided that I’d get that newsletter written. Sure, I had almost no other work to do. But I also knew that I was going to spend two weeks in a very intense family situation where I wouldn’t have the headspace to write. I used what little alone time I had to walk and clear my head. I then returned home after my vacation to an unexpectedly and unusually challenging editing assignment that drained me physically and emotionally. And still I felt guilty at the end of each day because I hadn’t written my newsletter and I hadn’t done any personal writing. Was I realistic about my writing targets during my vacation and unusual work week that followed? No. Was I kind to myself? No.
It wasn’t until Thursday of last week that the penny dropped. The expectations I was putting on myself were unreasonable. Once I came to that realisation, my shoulders relaxed, I felt annoyance with myself drain from my body, and I made the conscious decision to be kind to myself.
You need to be kind to yourself too. Be honest and realistic about the time you can devote to writing both in your day-to-day life and during breaks in that routine, such as vacation time or when unexpected things pop up. Ask yourself if now is a time for writing or if it’s a time to put your writing aside for a few days to focus on what’s in front of you. I’ll let you in on a little secret – now that those three weeks are behind me, I’m brimming with writing ideas and can’t put my pen down.
Shout out of the week
A big shout out to Deborah Lee Luskin, who wrote a frankly blush-inducing blog post about my newsletter last week. I discovered Deborah and her writing seven or eight years ago when she and a number of other New England women writers ran the blog Live to Write – Write to Live. Over the years, we’ve gotten to know each other via email, bonding over our shared interests in, among other things, place, nature and hunting. Thank you, Deborah!
What I’m working on
Last week’s challenging edit left me physically and emotionally drained. Over the course of the week, the manuscript provoked waves of frustration, anger and concern, and I strongly felt my duty of care towards the client. We’d agreed on 20 hours of work and, indeed, I edited for 20 hours. But those 20 hours probably took me 40 hours, as I struggled to settle into the work and had to take many more breaks from it than I normally would. This week, I’m putting together a ghost-writing pitch. The pitch has been brewing for about four months and currently exists in scribbled notes and in voice notes I’ve made to myself while out on long walks over the hills with the dog. Time to bring it all together.
What I’m reading
At the wonderful Oxfam Book Shop in Leamington Spa I bought Joyce Carol Oates’ The Falls, a fabulous family saga set in the town of Niagara Falls. Unputdownable and the perfect read for my hot afternoons by the village swimming pool, I’ve promised my sister I’ll pass it on to her because I know it’ll be her kind of book too. By the way, I’ve just discovered that you can buy second hand books from the Oxfam Book Shop online.
Featured photo by Michael Hamments